Hot Love Songs

Tips for Better Love Making - The Top 5 Erogenous Zones of a Female

If you're floundering in the bedroom and your girlfriend is moaning for all the wrong reasons, these tips will point you in the right direction.

Gentlemen! If you want to get your girl moaning for real instead of faking it, you're going to have to put a bit of work in. Firstly, a male can achieve orgasm within 2 - 3 minutes when stimulated by another partner. Where as a female can take up to 15 minutes to climax.

If you know for a fact that you can't keep going for that long by pure intercourse alone (and lets face it, if you're doing that, you're having sex, not making love) then you are going to have to stimulate her body with foreplay instead.

Now before you panic and freak out, all of this can be done with your tongue and hands. I guarantee you will become a better lover in the bedroom AND you really will give her orgasm after orgasm.

The top 5 female erogenous zones

The neck

Apart from being sexy and attractive, the female neck is perhaps one of the most sensitive areas of her body. Softly kissing this area from her shoulder to below her ear (while at the same time massaging it with your tongue will send tingles and pulses up and down her spine. Keep at it and she will be breathing heavily in a very short period of time.

The ear lobes

Sucking ear lobes isn't for everyone. Some girls get the tickles when you do it but others simply adore it. While you're there you can whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Close facial contact is what she likes so this is a good way to do it if you're fed up with kissing on the lips. Also massaging her ear lobes with your fingers from time to time can be very soothing.

The nipples

On a par with the neck for sensitivity, the female nipples become hard and sit up right when stimulated with your tongue. Don't forget to give both breasts even attention and also kiss down in between her breasts as you work your way between both of them. If she hasn't grabbed your head by this stage and held it into her bosom, something's badly wrong.

The belly button

Working your way down her body, the belly button is another area you should stimulate before full intercourse. Kissing this area with your lips and tongue will cause vibrations that will vibrate through her reproductive area and begin to stimulate her G spot.

The G Spot

Ah the G spot. This holy grail legend of the female anatomy can be tricky to find. So if the chance arises, ask her if she has already found her G spot and let her point you in the right direction.

As a general guide, most female G spots can be found on the roof of the vagina (that's the side closest to her stomach.). It's about the size and shape of a 2 pence coin and can be found about 4 inches in.

Extreme caution should be taken when stimulating this area with your tongue or fingers as a female can quite literally lose control of her limbs. Don't be surprised if you get kneed in the face or get elbowed as she moans in ecstasy. It should also be noted that not all females have a G spot, so don't be alarmed if you both can't find it. As you have seen there are plenty of other areas of the female body that can be stimulated in the art of love making in order to help her climax.

Doing a combination of all these things will leave her begging for more and you will be a better lover for it. Experimentation is the key to find out what works and what doesn't as everyone is not the same.

As you can see, a true female orgasm involves the stimulation of her whole body and not just simple penetration. Taking the time to show care and attention to her needs will put you so far above any other lovers, she may have had that you may find it tricky escaping from the bed. I know I have ;-)

I hope this article helps your love life get back on track and that you become better and more confident at making love and not just having sex. Above all else, if you want to become a better lover, ask your partner what they like and what they want you to do to them. Not only will you help them get their rocks off quicker, you'll also show that you are thinking about their needs and they in turn will think about yours. This will create a much better experience than if both parties are concentrating on what each can get out of the experience in a very selfish way.

11 Hot Tips For Lasting Longer in Bed

Ever wanted to achieve more sexual pleasure for you and your partner?

Have you ever felt like your sexual patterns are preventing you and your lover from experiencing sex as blissfully as you know it can be?

Does the prospect of having sex sometimes seem too daunting just because of a history of unsatisfying experiences?

Changing your sexual patterns may be a burning issue for you, a passing curiosity or perhaps you know someone that could benefit from this information.

In any case I am sure you will find the following informative and interesting.

1. Slow down.

It may seem obvious, but the number one way to make sex last longer is to do everything slower.

Breathing, feeling, foreplay, kissing and intercourse are all parts of the sex act that do not need to be rushed.

2. Give everything time.

Every moment in sex is worth experiencing fully.

Let things unfold in their own time and you will be rewarded with richer experiences during sex and more learning and satisfaction from sex.

3. Deepen your breathing.

Our breath connects us deeply to our body and its rhythms, as well as the rhythm of other bodies near us.

Focusing on breathing also helps to quiet the mind and sooth any internal dialogue that may be interfering with our natural enjoyment of the sex.

Here's a hint, try synchronising your deep slow breathing with your partner's.

4. Let go of expectations.

Without expectations around sex, we are free to more naturally savour the experience ? however it is!

We can be more open to the experience and learn more as a result.

Without expectations we free ourselves from disappointment.

Here's a trick ? see if you can implement these techniques to improve your sex, without caring whether they work!

5. Focus on pleasure in sex rather than the sex act or outcome.

Regardless of certain ideas of sex perpetuated in the world, sex is not about the ending, it is about the whole experience.

Getting the girl, having an orgasm, giving an orgasm ? these are all important aspects of sex.

But the most important element of sex is pleasure!

When you start enjoying every moment of sex ? it will go on as long as you want!

6. Increase knowledge of your body.

Take the time to understand what brings you pleasure and learn how to pleasure yourself better. Don't forget to share your new knowledge with your partner too.

Read up about anatomy. The human body is amazing!

7. Increase knowledge of your partner's body.

Don't be afraid to ask questions and always be open to trying new things in bed. Explore every part of your partner's body like you have never seen or touched it before.

Every time you engage in sex it is a perfect opportunity to expand your sexual knowledge.

You can learn a lot about the human body by asking friends about their experiences too.

8. Reframe sex as a nurturing healing act.

When we attach shame and guilt to sex it is no wonder that it doesn't flow naturally. Adjust your mindset around sex to reflect only positive aspects.

Sex feels so good, how could a gift like this be anything other than healing!

9. Let go of performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety is unnecessary. Be kind to yourself. Learn to forgive yourself if things don't go perfectly, and then learn to stop caring about perfect anyway.

10. Feel your body from within.

Our sensual experience can be deepened dramatically by focusing on our experience from within our body.

Get out of your head and let your consciousness move to the centre of your body.

11. Be present.

Don't let the mind wander or engage in pointless internal chatter. Don't let your fantasies and thoughts take you further from the experience at hand.

Be in the present experience and the present moment.

So there you have it. Any of these tips individually can start to impact on your sexual performance right now. If you learn them all, you will be a master of your body in and out of the bedroom.

Don't be daunted if it takes a little time though ? these are life changing techniques and may take a bit of practice.

And most importantly of course, enjoy yourself practising!!

Four Ways Hell Slay Your Sex Drive

When you first met your guy, his carnal charisma probably had you breathless and purring for more. Yet, here you are, months or years down the road, and his bedroom antics don't quite get the rise out of you they used to. Though studies show the overwhelming majority of women prefer cuddling and romantic walks to making love, this lack of sexual interest can harm your relationship. "The only way to overcome the monotony that almost inevitably develops in a relationship is by ensuring that your relationship is as sexually exciting as it can possibly be," says Shmuley Boteach, author of Kosher Sex. "Studies show that when a couple's sex life becomes inviting, exciting, and pleasurable, most of [a relationship's] peripheral problems subside."

However, having an explosive sex life isn't as easy as we want it to be. You may find that after time, your libido decreases dramatically, almost mysteriously-you no longer look forward to sex. Many psychologists and MD's cite psychological or physiological problems as chief libido killers, yet there are many ways your guy can become the culprit stifling your desire. So, how can you revive your sagging sex drive? Use Couple-Me.com's rev tactics to recognize his foreplay faux pas and remedy them for good.

Libido Killer #1: He thinks he's got you figured out.

As far as he's concerned, he knows you inside and out. He no longer sees you as a mystery he wants to unravel. Though he enjoys the comfort of your familiarity, he begins to take it for granted-he is quick and to the point in bed, and makes no effort to seduce you. In conversation, he is content with idle chatter about money, work, and where to go to dinner. He no longer probes you with questions about your aspirations, fears, fantasies, or childhood memories.

Why you should take action: "Relationships die when two people no longer make each other's skin tingle because they've settled into a routine," Boteach warns. When two people are strangers, when each is a mystery to the other, they are careful to keep each other happy, aroused, and excited. In fact, at Couple-Me.com, we've realized that the couples who eventually marry are those who actively maintain the activities and interests they pursued upon first meeting each other.

Therefore, your guy's mistaken notion that he's got you figured out can cause stagnation and boredom in your relationship, and kill your libido, because he's no longer trying to win you over or learn more about you. If your guy no longer attempts to strip your emotional layers, you may lose interest in stripping his physical layers.

How to revive your sex drive: Remind your guy that you are an eternal mystery. Consistently engage him in conversation that leads each of you to a deeper understanding of each other. Try posing erotic "what if" scenarios or play sensual, slightly naughty games like strip quarters (when one of you can bounce a quarter into the cup, the other has to strip a piece of clothing).

Also be careful to break routine now and then. "Consider what you did together and what you talked about during the first three months of your relationship that made you fall in love with each other," says Kim Eykelboom, founder of www.Couple-Me.com. "Bring those elements back into your relationship." Eykelboom also recommends occasional role reversal. If your guy feels he knows you well, surprise him. If you are normally sexy and secure, act shy and reserved once in a while. If he is always the one to take sexual initiative, surprise him with your own slightly aggressive moves. You'll be surprised how lavishing him with erotic attention and shaking up your routine can ignite your libido.

Libido Killer #2: He confuses romancing you with seducing you.

He lavishes you with roses, romances you with poetry, and graciously attends to your every need. Because of his gentle nature, he is crushed by your sexual disinterest because he feels he's done everything to ensure your love and desire. But he confuses romancing you with seducing you. He has forgotten how to captivate your senses with scented candles, sensual fruits, and hot oils. He no longer whispers naughty "I'm going to's" in your ear, and he forsakes the gallant knight in him for the poetic troubadour.

Why you should take action: "Men can often fall into a 'nice guy' syndrome. They think romance is enough, but women need more than romance-they need the romantic seducer," says Eykelboom. Romance is important, but it creates fuzzy, oh-how-sweet feelings, rather than the intense, I-have-to-have-you-this-very-moment feelings. Having a romantic boyfriend who is no longer passionate or seductive, can lead you to believe your lacking interest in sex is your fault. You may believe that your relationship is doomed, because he appears to be the perfect boyfriend, yet you're uninterested. Rather than constructively improving the relationship, you result to blaming yourself or feeling guilty.

How to revive your sex drive: If his saccharine nature turns you off, you need to evaluate your desires to determine what, in addition to the roses and cards, you truly want in a lover. Take stock of your various fantasies and discern the common theme that shows up again and again. If you often fantasize about a man making love to you in an off-beat location, perhaps you'd like your guy to surprise you once in a while, rather than always initiating sex in the bedroom. Once you realize your passion primer, reveal it in a sexy note or write it on the steamy mirror of his bathroom for him to find next time he takes a shower. Keep dropping little hints until he gets a clue. Keeping it subtle means you'll never quite know when he'll catch on. One day, he'll just pounce!

Libido Killer #3: He treats you like one of the guys.

His immaculate appearance and gentlemanly manners have vanished. He dresses for you the way he'd dress for a kick-back day with his buddies. He may even go so far as to constantly tease you, calling you playful but annoying names, and routinely rough housing with you. In bed, he may become competitive, with a 'going for the gold' mindset that concentrates more on his performance than your pleasure.

Why you should take action: Though you want your guy to be playful with you, you don't want your only interaction to be 'buddy talk' and tumble sessions reminiscent of a wrestling match on Smack Down. He likely doesn't realize what he's doing and he's simply resorting to interactions that are most comfortable and familiar for him. However, his constant teasing and possible competitiveness will make you feel more like one of his buddies than his sexy girlfriend.

How to revive your sex drive: Sit your guy down and tell him how you feel. Share with him how being treated like one of his buddies makes you feel like just a friend. Explain that you want to feel sexy and loved. At first, refrain from pointing out each mistake he's made, and don't expect him to fix his faux pas immediately. "A man's ego is incredibly vulnerable when it comes to sex and relationships," warns Eykelboom. "A man will often shut down or go on an extreme defensive if directly attacked. Use 'I feel' language rather than 'You did' language, and try to also praise him for what he does right"

If, after a couple days, he hasn't laid off the buddy interaction, then consider coming up with a ridiculously random code word that you'll mention whenever he starts treating you like one of the guys. Choose a word you don't normally use in every day speech that, when spoken, will shock him for a moment so he'll internalize that specific moment as a 'try not to do this again' situation. Using a ridiculous word like "handicap" or "toilet seat" will take the edge off of the situation and hopefully make you both laugh. For a sexy twist, try an erotic code word that may just put you both in a randy mood. The key is to be creative so that your guy feels comfortable. Let him feel like he is choosing how to act, and that you appreciate his effort.

Libido Killer #4: He's a workaholic.

He's hard working, ambitious, and financially secure. He had you swooning over him like a grade school girl when you first met. But his job is beginning to take priority over his relationship with you, and he works later and later each night. He is always exhausted after work, so he has little energy to expend on you and your sexual needs.

Why you should take action: Even if your boyfriend is a perfect gentleman when he's with you, if his job takes priority over your relationship, it can quickly kill his libido and yours. If he works hard during the day, when he sees you at night or on the weekends, he may be too exhausted to partake in hours of foreplay, or in other erotic activities that elevate your sex drive. Because his libido is easily ignited, he can forget that yours requires more than a place and a face.

How to revive your sex drive: Get your guy (and yourself) into the habit of slowing down when you both get home from work. Take turns giving each other massages, and toss up your routine at the house. If you live together, turn cooking dinner into a fun experiment where each of you creates your own version of a meal, and have an erotic prize for the best one. Instead of turning on the TV, play a game of naughty nude twister or, if you're going to watch TV, find a show that you enjoy watching together and make fun, erotic bets guessing what will happen in a particular episode. If you live apart, surprise your guy at his place with a full evening of pampering and relaxation.

But what do you do if your guy often brings work home, or works from home? Sit with him and do your work together, like Michelle*, 26 does. "My boyfriend recently started his own business, and since he has to work a lot while home, we both go to the bookstore to work or read together. We get into a lot of deep conversations that often turn to sexy topics. Having to whisper our naughty conversation in the bookstore turns into the perfect foreplay. Half the time, we have to cut it short and run home for some action!"

Also encourage him to slow down when you make love. Try using a scarf or nylons to gently tie his hands down so that you control the pace. Take extra care to lavish attention on each part of his body, allowing him to experience the pleasure associated with slow, languid love making sessions. Then, when he's worshipping you for your attention to his every erotic need, give him a wink and say, "I'm glad you enjoyed it. Because next time, it's my turn!"

Sexual Healing

If you occasionally tune into those sex shows on HBO, you may be shocked at what some people out there are buying and doing in the name of livening up their sex lives. Yes, having sex with the same person year after year can surely get predictable. Even so: do you really need battery-powered toys and instruction manuals to feel moved by the Ultimate Intimate Act? I'd venture a guess to say NO. And bets are on that Marvin Gaye wrote his famous song, "Sexual Healing," with the same thought in mind!

Think back to the early days with your partner. Chances are, the sex was pretty darned good. What was it that made them so irresistible? Might it have been your ability to focus totally on each other? The appreciation you had for that real love you'd been wishing for so long?

And now... well, of course you love them. But the more time we spend with someone, the more we tend to take them for granted. Maybe your lives are so busy that you feel like you have to "fit sex into your schedule." So: what mental state are you in when the two of you finally get around to doing it? Distracted? Harried? Obligatory? None of these are very conducive to real closeness.

Many people are running out and buying fancy equipment in the name of making their love lives more fun. But what about the equipment that God gave you: your eyes, ears, mouth, nose, skin... and the most crucial thing of all, your mind? When was the last time you were fully engaged in sex with all five of your senses and totally connecting with your partner? Here are some things you can do to turn those intimate moments into the healing and fulfilling experience that sex was meant to be.

1. Relax and clear your mind. It's pretty tough to focus on how someone makes you feel when the voices in your head are chattering away! Put those worries on a high shelf in the back of the closet... you have the rest of your life to deal with pressing issues. Tonight is for living in the moment and loving your partner.

2. Remember the good things. When was the last time you dwelled on that sweet smile that's bestowed upon you when you walk in the door each evening? Have you two shared a laugh recently? What about the last sacrifice your husband, wife or lover made simply because they loved you? Even if it was something small like running out for a quart of milk so you could have cereal... never take the little things for granted.

3. Free yourself of negative thoughts. If there are "issues" that keep popping up about your partner, do one of two things: have an open-minded talk to clear the air, or choose to forget the issues because they're probably too petty to be of consequence anyway.

4. Clean up. Get rid of that unsightly pile of laundry on the bedroom floor. Change the sheets to clean fresh ones. Take a hot shower, shave your legs or face. Brush and floss if you're concerned about halitosis. Clutter is distracting. Sex should be a holy act, and holiness is pure and clean... so get rid of the filth and mess!

5. Quiet down and slow down. Music is a nice way to set the mood... but sometimes the best music is quiet breathing and the rhythm of your own two hearts. Lie together, but don't rush anything. Good sex is leisurely and pleasurable, not a race to the finish line.

6. Open your eyes. Whoever said that eyes should be closed during intimacy is missing half the fun. Get nose-to-nose, belly-to-belly with your partner, lie still, and open your eyes. Breathe up from your stomach and through your nose, all the while beholding the sight of them. Look into those honest and loving eyes, let your gaze fall to their shapely lips and the contours of their neck... notice every curve of their body, and every rise and fall of the easy breaths they take...

7. Revel in the sensations. God gave you a sense of touch so you could experience the joy of intimacy. Drink in every inch of your lover. Relax, breathe... let your eyes, lips and hands wander where they may. Rest your hand in the small of their back, encircle them with your loving arms. Cradle the back of their vulnerable head in your strong and protective embrace. Notice the warmth in your toes, the electric sensation in your pores, the passion bubbling up from your belly.

8. Breathe them in. Breathing sets the pace for a truly spiritual and moving sexual experience. Breathe in your partner's exhaled breath, breathe in the scent on their skin, and breathe as you focus on the way they touch you. You will find that once your breathing is deep and synchronized, sex becomes almost like a dance. You are more likely to experience simultaneous orgasms if slow and steady breathing is engaged together.

9. Get even closer. Lying on your sides, turn face to face and let the easy energy flow between you. This is an effortless and relaxing way to enjoy foreplay that allows head to toe contact with your partner. Another powerful position is for the man to sit crossed legged, and the woman to sit facing him with her legs encircling his waist. You may find this position too uncomfortable to actually engage in the sex act itself, but nevertheless make it part of the whole experience. Enfold your partner in your firm embrace, with one open palm pressed into the middle of their back and the other arm wrapped snugly about their waist. Press your foreheads together. Concentrate wholly on the moment, in being with them and breathing as one with them, in the feelings they evoke within you and in loving them.

By this time, I don't think I need to instruct you on how to make the rest of your evening enjoyable. If you really take the time to rejoice in the feelings you two have for each other, the rest should happen quite naturally. Good loving is most definitely a powerful and healing experience! You may find that as you lay in the blissful aftermath, that aching back and/or indigestion you felt earlier has magically disappeared. Your mind feels unburdened and peaceful, your skin warm and tingly, and all the trivial issues of the day have melted away.

Remember that not everyone is fortunate as you, to have someone to love and think about them and care for them each and every day. Some poor souls lie alone at night craving human closeness. But you have been blessed with a partner who has promised to love you and share your life for the rest of your days. That knowledge alone should be enough to want mind-blowing sex with them! Try it out together, and open your heart and mind to your partner the way you did when love was new. You'll be so very glad you did.

Sleep well, happy lovers!

Having Sex or Making Love

Actually, the difference between the two concepts is bigger than some of us would like it to be. And, as almost every time, women feel it the most. What is the difference? Well, love. Women need to be protected, looked after and loved as much in bed as in every day life.

Keep in mind that this is not just a legend used by women to manipulate men. The difference between having sex and making love, together with it's implications in a couple's sex life is what many men forget when sharing the bed-sheets with a woman.

Clearly, everything written so far will not apply to one-night-stands. In those cases it is all about a sexual intercourse between two people who only share their bodies. After the bottom line has been drawn, most men feel good about themselves after a one-night- stand, without thinking about their sexual performance. Totally pleasing a woman from the very first time is no easy job as the only mystery she had disclosed is her body.

Yet, most men are attracted to one-night-stands or, with other words, to having sex. The lack of commitment needed and the easy attaining of the main goal: feeling good, are just two reasons pleading in favor of having sex.

On the other hand there is so much more between a man and a woman making love. There are feelings and emotions, leading to a totally different connection between the two of them. More than that, for women, one of the most important things during sex is the environment. And this means everything from location to those few candles some like to place around the bed.

Let's take them in turn a little bit. If you want to leave her smiling and begging for a cigarette and some more there are some things you might like to take into consideration.

Trying dad's old car's rear suspension will make the car happier than her. The ideal location would certainly be a bed in a nice and cozy room with nothing interfering with the moment. Someone knocking on the door or even a ringing phone can have very undesirable effects. Some candle-like lights and easy-listening music in the background adds even more to the overall foreplay.

Explore every inch of her body and draw imaginary contours with your fingers and tongue, kiss her neck, breasts, belly and legs, all in a specific order surrounding the most important area and closing in at the same time. All this will increase the tension and when that moment comes both you and her will feel the difference.

Communication is essential for great results. Men must pay attention to the unspoken signs every woman gives them. Ignoring these signs will make women feel used. The old legend that says that when a woman says "no" she actually means "yes" is nothing more than a poor excuse so keep your ears open for her desires.

If all goes well, you might be given the supreme sexual command and that's "don't stop!" When you hear that, whatever you do, DON'T STOP!

Spice It Up By Talking Dirty in the Bedroom

Have you ever been asked by your partner to talk dirty in bed? Of course you have, almost everybody enjoys a little pillow talk in the bedroom. The problem is, of course, when your partner asks you to say something dirty, and your mind draws a blank. Or worse, you freeze up; you aren't comfortable saying those things aloud.

Talking dirty is easy, once you get started. The most important thing to remember is to stay relaxed and natural. If you are feeling a little nervous about saying anything in the bedroom, an easy way to start is simply by telling your partner when he does something you like. Simply say, "Oh yeah, I like it when you touch me there." Nothing will fire up your partner like hearing your voice complimenting him on his moves!

Once you are warmed up, you can start moving on to a little more advanced talk. Use whatever words you feel comfortable with, you don't have to use filthy language. But remember, it is not sexy to use clinical terms. The word vagina, although proper, is not sexy. You do not have to sound like a porn star, but with the proper tone of voice and a few choice words you will drive your partner crazy.

If you are ready to drive your partner crazy with some filthy talk in bed, start asking him questions. Try saying something like, "You like it when I touch you there don't you?" Of course, these are rhetorical questions, but of course, your partner will be too worked up to answer you anyway!

Remember that dirty talk should not be confined to the bedroom; take it out of the bedroom to really kick up your sex life. Whisper in your partner's ear what you plan on doing to him when you get home while you are out at a party. Because you are in public, and there is nothing that he can do, he will be unable to contain himself.

You may be a little nervous when you first start to talk dirty in bed, but once you are warmed up, you may not be able to stop yourself! Once you get started, you will not only be turning your partner on, but you will be firing yourself up as well and you may not be able to stop!

Sexual Energy!

How open are we when it comes to talking about sex? We are all so captivated, yet intimidated and shy about sex. It always seems to play in the back of our own minds. My question is just how much are we appreciative of our sexuality?

Whilst growing up we are not taught a great deal about the truth behind our own sexuality. The reason being that society has not allowed us to experiment our true sexuality and what that really means to its full extent. This seems to be so, especially where religion is concerned. There is always the conflict about sexuality with religions on the whole!

What is it that we are afraid of when we come to talk about our sexuality? How well do you communicate your needs and preference of your sexuality with your partner? Or do you even know what your sexual needs and preferences are? How acceptant are you of our own sexuality?

To begin with, we live in a society which has been based upon many old thoughts and ideas that are really no longer functional. These 'ideas' have been, in many instances, dictated to us by our own religions and the circumstances we grew up in. Sex has grown to become something we are fearful of in both our conscious and sub-conscious minds. So much so that we are no longer aware of how to approach or handle the subject! In reality, we should not allow this to be our obstacle or a setback in sexual life. We must now take the initiative to try to figure out our own sexuality.

What is Sexuality? Sexuality is defined as the individual inclination of any human soul for their sexual preference. Sexuality is an individual, shared and energy-centered affair. Through time we have allowed ourselves to become accustomed to a set of rules in terms of how other people view and judge us when it comes to our own sexuality. What is right and wrong?

In order to embrace sexuality as a whole, you must first identify your own sexual preferences. I believe this is one of the most important factors in this subject and is very important that you discover it for yourself and accept it as something that is a part of you and not something you should be afraid of. Are you homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual or whatever else you can possibly be sexually? Regardless of your sexual orientation, sex is still an individual, shared and energy-centered affair. Don't you think? Both men and women alike are sometimes having problem in identifying their own sexuality. Let's be honest here, even from time to time we do have the tendency of thinking, at least, somewhere in the back of our minds what it would be like to be with a partner of the same sex. Being continuously evolving human souls we have already experimented different past lives being either of the sexes in order to bring our soul to grow having balanced experiences with both the male and female energies.

I believe the problem concerning sex in our society, especially the way we look at and judge each other by stereotyping someone by their sexual preference is wrong. Let's take a gay or lesbian human soul for example, why do we insist upon stereotyping them from the crowd? Oh! I forgot they are not normal! Well according to what or to whom? How do we define what is really 'NORMAL'? Yeah now I remember, it was according to biology and our human reproduction system and also those attitudes we learnt from religion. Why do we need to reproduce? There are numerous issues that influence us in terms of religious belief and in many cases such religious issues thrive upon forcing fear and guilt upon us for embracing our sexuality openly and by using that fear and guilt it enables that religion to keep control of people and it grows as we pass those beliefs down to our children and them to their children and throughout the many generations. That alone helps the religion sustain its own growth by reinforcing our beliefs to those of their own belief system. Then is it basically for our own advantage or for the advantage of the belief system?

Let me define the different aspects of sexuality which exist within their three levels.

First, sex is an individuality act. We have been taught since early childhood and throughout our upbringing by some belief system that exists out there to be ashamed, fearful, un-easy and that it is against God's wishes for us to embrace our individual sexuality in terms of us understanding our body and our own sexuality. Sex is energy, God is energy and we are part of that energy. We are brought up being told not to enjoy our individual acts of sexuality because it is dirty. We were always made to feel guilty about doing it. When I talk of this 'individual act of sexuality', what I am referring to is the act of masturbation. Why have we been deprived of expressing our own personal sexual needs as an individual? The main reasons for this does relate to what I stated previously. Our individual sexual act is a natural phenomenon for either men or women and this can not only provide us with personal satisfaction, but it can also serve as an energy release system which helps us have a clearer mind which will enable us to conduct our life and growth more effectively in this life time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with bringing some joy and pleasure to yourself at any private time you wished to. By doing so, you will help bring awareness to yourself about your self and your sexual needs and desires when you are sharing yourself with your partner when you are in a relationship.

Second, sex is a shared act. So, we can go as far as we can with identifying our own sexuality. However, this will also bring us to the fact that what happens between two people sexually is also their own act of privacy, regardless if it is classed as being 'normal' within our own belief system. When two people are engaged in an act of intimacy between themselves, we have no right to judge them and in reality, their affairs are not even our business, therefore, we shouldn't care! But why do we persist in letting it become our affair by judging and criticizing those people? The answer is very simple, because we are border and feel we have 'no life' of our own, so we use other people's affairs to fulfill that boredom and need to gossip. Let's see! Why should it be that Britney Spears, for example, sex life is so important to everyone? Does she owe us anything that she must make her private life public to the whole world, just because she is a well known singer? Why on earth do we feel the need to learn about her sexual preference? She can sing and dance and entertain us very nicely, is that not enough to keep us occupied? Why we don't question President Bush about his sexual preference? How about the reporters who are bringing us the juice about Britney's sexual habits? How comfortable are they in telling us about their own sexual habits? How about you, the reader? Are you open to telling us about your sexual habits? Or you just want to hear someone else's and judge them according to what you hear, regardless if the story is true or not? What makes the famous people's gossip, particularly their sexuality, so important to us? Aren't they just like you and I, being human souls, regardless of if they are famous or not? Sex is a shared act between where, in the majority of times, takes place between two people and it is not the business of yours or mine to judge that. Unless of course you are ready and prepared to 'spill your guts' and talk about yourself for a change!

Third, sex is an energy-centered act. More and more often these days we are seeing so many different sex websites and the popularity of these sites is reaching an all time high! This is because our understanding of sex and sexuality is all wrong! It is not only an act in itself between two people. It is not just for reproduction. Ideally sex it should more open that people should be at ease to talk about and express their own feelings rather than suppressing them. Sex is individual, shared between two people and it is also the act of opening our sexual energy. In reality sex is a major opening for us to learn more about ourselves on different levels.

Sex is an energy-centered act and what I mean by this is, when two souls become involved a relationship of growth together, sex becomes the main source of exchanging their energy with each other. To attain that level of energy exchange to happen at a soul level it requires both people involved in the relationship to accept that growth. It cannot work with input from only one of the couple. Sexual energy is about dropping all your reservations, dropping all ideology, dropping all your walls and basically opening all of your gates for your partner. It is about seeing yourself as the image of your partner's eye when two souls are joined in their sexual action and performance together. You are the image of your partner and it is through that image you grow.

In order to create an energetically established relationship you must be in the right relationships with the right partner in the first place. How many of us today are with the right partner and for the right reasons? How many of us are strong and wise enough that they do not allow their past experiences to interfere in their new ones? How many of us have the courage to accept and allow a new experience to take place in their lives with a new partner they have met? How many of us openly accept our partner for being the way they are and not the way in which we want them be? How many of us are willing to take that extra plunge into some unknown and unfamiliar territory?

Our universe consists of an abundance of energies of which are in existence all around us. These energies exist as the people we meet in our daily routines, the objects we touch to our state of mind and well being. Sexual energy is connected to the vastness of energy which is available for our access and at our own disposal. Why don't we make full use of these energies? The answer is very simple! Again, it is our narrow minded, 'human' way of thinking. How many of us believe that if things in this world cannot be proven by science, then it means they do not exist? How many of us believe and react to new opinions or observations "That's not the way I learned from my religious teachings!" How many of us believe that our parents dismissed such theories on the conclusion that they do not fit within the traditions and family belief systems and perhaps they were concerned with what other people would SAY about them if they thought that way.

Learn how to open your gates and drop your human shield without any creating expectations of your partner for what they will do or don't do for or to YOU. Do not bring any of your old baggage into new relationships. It is not the same energy. This is not the same person you are involved with now. Until you learn how to do this, you will risk running into the same patterns of your old relationship situations. Learn to let go, forgive yourself, others and move in your life.

How successfully we can build our sexual energy in our relationships reflects how much we are willing to try our best to bring comfort to our partner. This requires cooperation between both partners without one being left behind. The "ME, ME, ME?" style of attitude will defeat the purpose of this intention and we will always find ourselves in stagnation until we learn the relationship is not all about us. We are or at least 'should be' the reflection of ourselves in our partner. The more we invest in our partner, the more we will see that investment being returned to us, but multiplied. Do not allow fear to interfere for there is no place for it here. When you invest fully in your partner and know you have done your best to do so, you should never be hurt moving on after the time comes for your relationship to end. You will never feel regret or guilt by saying "what if I did this or that?" There is no "what if?" in our life. Only, when you know you have invested your best into making it work, there is only "I did my best to make the best I could've of out my experience in that relationship" and with that you will be able to move on in peace into a new relationship experience. When one partner is not ready to invest there is nothing you can do. However, if you see that they are trying to do their best to make things work, then help, but without abusing or taking advantage of them.

So, on a final note, invest in your relationships, invest in exploring your sexuality and invest in your growth because in the end it is all about you! You are always the winner at the end. Just think of that for a moment!

Making Love for a Lifetime: Seniors and Sexuality

We are sexual beings, throughout the lifespan. This includes the later years of life, which are often overlooked in discussions of sexuality. In this article I want to address some misconceptions about aging and sexuality; report some survey information on sexual behavior among seniors; describe physical, psychological and medical changes that may accompany aging; and suggest positive and affirming ways for seniors to continue to enjoy their sexuality to the fullest.

I. Some Myths about Aging and Sexuality

Many cultural "truths" convey the message that sexuality is for the young. If seniors are interested in sex there is something wrong with that. How many of the following myths and stereotypes have you heard?

- Older people don't have sex, don't want sex, don't think about sex.

- It's perverted for an older person to have sexual thoughts; perhaps he is a "dirty old man".

- Women don't want sex, aren't interested in sex, and are only going along with what men want.

- When you get "old", you can't have sex.

- Sex is for younger adults. (I saw a cross-stitched sampler once which said "Kissing don't last - cooking do".)

- If you can't have sex like a porn star, you have no business trying it at all.

These are all misleading and incorrect stereotypes. It is important to recognize that sexuality is a central part of healthy living - all our lives!

II. Survey Information: What's Happening Out There?

Three recent national surveys of older Americans have focused on sexuality and sexual behavior. "Healthy Sexuality and Vital Aging" (1998) was funded by Pfizer and sponsored by the National Council on the Aging (NCOA) and surveyed over 1300 people. The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) sponsored national surveys in 1999 and again in 2004. "Sexuality at Midlife and Beyond" looked at a nationally representative group of 1700 adults aged 45 and older.

The NCOA survey found that almost half of seniors over sixty are sexually active; 39% want sex more often. The majority of respondents reported having sex less often now than when they were in their forties - 82% of men and 63% of women.

61% of men and 62% of women find sex equal to or more physically satisfying than it was in their forties. With regard to emotional satisfaction, 76% of men and 69% of women found sex to be at least as emotionally satisfying as in their forties.

72% of men and 47% of women consider sex important to their relationship with their partner. Men, however, were more than twice as likely as women to report wanting sex more frequently. This was true in all age segments - even in men 80 and older.

The AARP study found that the proportion of men who've tried potency-enhancing medicines, hormones, or other treatments has doubled since 1999. The majority (68%) report the treatments have increased their sexual satisfaction. Their wives also reported increased pleasure for themselves.

63% of men and women with partners described themselves as either extremely satisfied or somewhat satisfied with their sex lives. 51% of men and women surveyed reported having sexual thoughts, fantasies, or erotic dreams at least once a week.

50% of women in the 45-49 age range reported that they masturbate; 20% of women 70 and older said they masturbated. A majority of all women - even those 70-plus - told AARP that self- stimulation is an important part of sexual pleasure at any age.

Both these surveys, based on scientifically randomized samples, indicate that seniors are having sex, thinking about sex, enjoying sex - and taking steps to increase their enjoyment and pleasure. Clearly sexuality is important to older Americans, contrary to popular stereotypes!

III. Natural Changes Occurring With Aging

Most of us reading this are not twenty years old any more! Our bodies are constantly changing - though many of us are in denial. Orthopedic medicine is one of the fastest-growing medical specialities, treating rotator cuff injuries, tennis elbow, injured backs, torn cartilage, blown ACLs - in aging baby boomers. We're not ready to give it up!

Your body changes as you age, and these changes can affect your sexual relationships.

A. Physical Changes

Testosterone regulates your sex drive whether you're a man or a woman. Most aging men and women produce enough testosterone to maintain their interest in sex, though patches and creams can provide an alternative source of the hormone to boost desire if needed.

Men and women experience different changes in their bodies as they age.

-- Women --

Most physical changes are linked to menopause and reduced estrogen levels. As you age, it takes longer for your vagina to swell and lubricate when you're sexually aroused. Your vagina also loses some elasticity. Together these can make intercourse less comfortable or even painful.

What to do:

- Longer foreplay increases natural lubrication.

- Use water-based lubricants, such as Astroglide, Probe or Silk.

- Estrogen creams or hormone replacement therapy can rejuvenate vaginal tissue.

- Regular intercourse helps maintain lubrication and elasticity.

- Do Kegel exercises to keep the pelvic floor muscles toned.

- If you haven't had intercourse for a while, realize it takes time to stretch out - go slowly!

- Minimize any pain or discomfort. Desire usually returns once any discomfort is relieved.

-- Men --

As you age, it might take longer to achieve an erection; it may be less firm and it may not last as long. Aging also increases the time between possible ejaculations.

What to do:

- Relax, stop worrying about it! Anxiety makes it worse.

- Let go of performance expectations. American media is filled with messages implying that masculinity and virility is equated with youthful performance.

- Kegel exercises are very helpful for men also, to tone the pelvic floor musculature.

- Take longer with sexual activities. You may also need more direct physical stimulation.

- Try different positions, for comfort and extra stimulation.

- Focus on pleasurable sensations, rather than on hurrying towards orgasm and ejaculation.

- Viagra, Cialis or Levitra may help intensify erections.

- Other medical devices, such as pumps, drugs and implants have been developed. I would encourage a natural and relaxed exploration of sexual possibilities before submitting to an expensive and invasive medical procedure.

Intercourse is Not the Only Way to Have Sex!

Helen Gurley Brown, author of Sex and the Single Girl, has said, "When people say they can't have sex because they have a bad back, or arthritis, or all of the things that can affect our bodies as we get older, I think what they're really saying is they're looking for an excuse not to have sex. When you care, you find that there are all sorts of ways to express sensuality."

Sexual ignorance, cultural values and media images combine to "sell" the story that sex = intercourse - and having an orgasm is the way to tell if you're accomplishing anything!

This mindset gets everything backwards. The purpose of having huge concentrations of nerve endings and pleasure receptors in our genitals is to experience pleasure. While orgasms are wonderful, when sex becomes goal-driven to "achieve" climax, it short-changes both partners' pleasure and places enormous performance expectations and demands - which can turn sex from playful, spontaneous, pleasurable sensual intimacy between two people who care about each other into something like a chore.

I highly recommend Marty Klein's book Let Me Count the Ways: Great Sex Without Intercourse as an excellent guide and encouragement in your creativity. (For more information about Marty Klien's book look on: http://www.books4selfhelp.com/sexuality.htm )

Passionate kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, telling erotic stories to each other, massage, hugging, touching, cuddling -- all of this can be great sex!

What is most important is pleasure - giving and receiving physical and emotional pleasure. We are all hungry to be touched. We need touch. Without touch, babies do not thrive, and may even die. Grownups need to be touched too. (If you're reading this and do not have a partner in your life, remember that self-pleasure can be a very important aspect of self-care and nurture. It is always possible to choose pleasure for oneself!)

B. Psychological Changes

The aging process may have psychological and emotional effects - particularly as we live in a culture that glorifies youth and extols youthfulness as the epitome of physical beauty. (I would remind us all that this is market-driven: marketers learned long ago that younger people are more likely to spend disposable income, and are more influenceable by advertising.)

- We may be embarrassed or ashamed of our sexual needs as an older adult.

What to do: Get over it! Join the party. You deserve pleasure in your life, from birth until the day you die.

- Changes in appearance affect how we feel about ourselves. Bodies no longer match the idealized body images we see in advertising and the media.

What to do: Realize that media has created the youthful ideal of beauty. Celebrate and love the body you have! Every wrinkle, stretch mark, gray hair, rounded contour, ache and pain is a mark of your ever-increasing maturity and wisdom! Bette Midler once said that if you are a woman and consider yourself unattractive -- visit another culture for a wake-up call. American stereothypes of physical attractiveness are insane dreams invented by marketers who are playing on our anxieties and insecurities in order to sell us more products.

- Worrying about sexual performance may actually reduce the body's ability to perform sexually; men may experience erectile dysfunction, women an inability to lubricate.

What to do: Relax! Relax... Enjoy your partner. Look into his or her eyes. Breathe together. Cuddle, stroke, gently massage each other. Sexuality is about pleasure, playfulness, and spontaneity.

- Depression may reduce energy, optimism and desire.

What to do: Exercise, do pleasurable activites, get sun on your face every day. Talk with your doctor about an antidepressant medication. See a therapist. Talk with your friends. Write your feelings in a journal. Any positive action taken - even drinking a glass of water! - is a step towards moving out of depression.

C. Changes Due to Medications and Surgery

Chronic pain or surgery and illness that cause fatigue can make sexual activities more challenging or painful.

What to do: Talk about it. Slow down, focus on simple pleasureable activities. Experiment with different positions or activities to discover what is most pleasureful.

Some commonly used medications can interfere with sexual function. High blood pressure medications can reduce desire and impair erection in men and lubrication in women. Some antihistamines, antidepressants and acid-blocking drugs can have side effects that affect sexual function.

What to do: Talk with your doctor about how to minimize these effects. It may be possible to substitute alternative medications that work as well as the original, but without affecting sexual function.

IV. Improving Sex as You Age

David Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage emphasizes that people become better lovers as they age. This runs counter to cultural stereotypes which hold that sex is for the young. Older persons have learned a few things over time, and no longer struggle with youthful anxieties and ignorance about sexuality. (For more information about David Schnarch's book, look on: http://www.books4selfhelp.com/intimate-relationships.htm )

With age and maturity, it is more possible to slow down and deeply experience all the pleasure that sensual sexuality has to offer. It is possible to learn how to combine deep relaxation with high states of arousal in order to have more intense, longer-lasting sexual experiences.

- Expand your definition of sex. Sex is more than intercourse!

- Communicate with your partner. Talk about what you need and what you like. Discuss the changes you're going through. Ask your partner about his or her needs and how to be accomodating. Communication itself can be arousing!

- Make changes to your routine. Change the time of day in which you have sexual activity. Mornings or afternoons may be better than at night when you are tired or achy. Take more time to set the stage for romance: romantic dinners or an evening of dancing or a special time or place for lovemaking. Try a new sexual position.

- Manage your expectations. If you didn't have sex very often as a younger adult, don't expect to have lots of sex as an older adult. Partners who enjoy frequent sex when they are younger are more likely to continue that as they age.

- Take care of yourself. Eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly, at least 30 minutes a day. Avoid alcohol as it decreases sexual function in both men and women. Do your Kegel exercises every day.

- Practice safe sex. If you have a new partner, get tested. Use condoms. People over 50 make up about 10% of AIDS cases in the United States

Most of all, simply enjoy the pleasureful sensations which your body is amply equipped to experience. Take time to nurture your relationship with your partner so that you are feeling emotionally connected. Approach your sexual relationship with playfulness, humor, patience and love.

Sexual pleasure is part of the birthright of being human - and it is a lifelong resource for joy, health and personal growth.